I am

I am 31 years old. I am married. I have a daughter who is 20 months old. My Cocker Spaniel is my best friend. I often wish I could travel back in time only to sit at Border's cafe, sip on a caramel latte and write for hours straight. I miss Borders. I miss a lot of things.

For the greater part of my twenties, I wrote novels. To be exact, I wrote six novels between 2008 and 2012. I queried 4 out of 6 of them. I was rejected. Ultimately I decided to go the self-publishing route and publish what I considered my best work. I was met with praise from family and friends, but also from complete strangers who happened to read my book. But none of it led me to become a bestseller. My books still aren't on bookshelves or in libraries. And that was my childhood dream. To become an author. A bestseller.

Do we always have to let go of our dreams when we start a family? I didn't want to. Life kind of just took hold and instead of writing into the early morning hours, I was asleep at ten o'clock, exhausted from work, household duties, mommy duties, etc. I still to this day can't find the energy to write a completely new novel. I need inspiration. I need motivation. But most importantly I need time. I can't feel rushed when it comes to creativity.

Recently I self-published a novel I wrote almost a decade ago. And right after hitting the submit button on Amazon, I thought to myself, I should be querying this book instead. I should be going after an agent. So that's what I'm doing right now. Taking a step back and taking the long, hard road to publication.

Holidays...

For most Americans, this time of year is hectic. Hurrying to get last minute gifts, dealing with family, traffic, weather...but usually by Christmas Eve life slows down, you breathe and you smile because you're with your family, you're alive and well.

I can't remember the last time I thoroughy enjoyed Christmas or any major holiday for that matter. When life slows down, my creative juices, my energy, my whole persona just slows down with it and I sink into a funk. I almost feel like the Xmas Grinch.

So what can I do this year to avoid feeling like a Grinch? I'm thinking I should just follow my impulses. If I can't handle the slow-moving pace of the holidays, I should go out and do something fast-paced, even if I have to do it by myself. Running would be my ideal choice but I'm prone to ankle injuries when I run in the winter.

I could go to a coffee shop and write. But what coffee shops are open on Christmas?

This post is so the stereotypical "oh woo is me" writer rant. I'll be posting something less depressing after the holidays pass and I'm counting down to spring.

Happy Holidays.

RISE

Rise
You can't settle anymore
So what are you waiting for?
Rise
Don't give in to the rain
Is it worth all that pain?
Rise
Look to the sky so bright
In your freedom is the light

I'm getting the word "RISE" tattooed to my wrist over the Thanksgiving holiday. It's my life motto. You're in a hole, rise up. You're on the ground, rise up. Push past the barriers. Gain strength and rise.

Back on Track

Life is challenging. But writing has always come easy for me. If I'm in the zone, I can easily write 5,000 words in a day, edit for hours only getting up to pee and eat cereal, compose a full-length song on my guitar in minutes...speed and endurance are my writing strengths. I go go go. I don't stop.

But I did stop. October hit. The writing stopped. The editing stopped. The singing stopped. Life continued. I partied hard. I think I lost my mind at one point, but it's November again and I'm back on track.

Initially I thought I'd be writing a new novel for NANO, but alas I went with what my heart wanted and that was to finish my revisions to my dearest novel, WALKING OFF PLUTO. While I know this novel isn't my most creative manuscript or most exciting, it's the most honest thing I've ever written. I've been at war with the novel, battling other's opinions of it, battling what I think it ought to be vs what my readers will want it to be. And the conclusion is...

It is what it is.

It's about life. Life isn't always exciting. Life isn't always fair. Life isn't always happy. Life sucks sometimes. But for some reason when we read we don't want to hear about life sucking too much for any one particular person. We want excitement. We want an escape from reality. We want to go somewhere we've never been before. We want so much. But do we get everything we want in life? Hell no. That one person you love may hurt you over and over again, and you let them because you'd rather hurt than not feel them at all. You push mountains for them and even though those mountains never budge, you feel stronger for awhile and then you crumble. But alas you get up again and try climbing the mountain, only to fall. You get bruises. You get screwed over a lot by life and love especially. You don't always get what you want. You'll be rejected more times than you're accepted. But you'll charish the acceptances. You'll savour the good times. You'll be okay.

So hopefully an agent will read my manuscript and say, "Finally! A novel that doesn't glamourize teenage love but shows the flings and arrows of life in its lowest moments." Life isn't a movie. Life is harder. Which is probably why this novel is so hard to edit.

Speed is my enemy with this novel. I've had to be patient. I've had to take weeks off from even opening the file to do the necessary revisions. But I've done them. I am happy with them.

And now what? Do I query right away?

No. I'm going to take another little vacation, do another round of edits, let some co-workers read the manuscript, and maybe then I'll query. That will prove my endurance--my stamina to be patient. And in the meantime I can work on something else.

I don't want to start on a new novel. I have so many novels that beg for edits, beg to be finished, beg to be noticed, so I'll give them the attention they deserve.

On a side note, sometimes people who never say anything, say a lot.

Wandering

I've been really bad about updating my blog and keeping up with other people's blogs. I used to update, comment, and read blogs almost every day, and now it's become a once a week, once a month sort of thing. I guess I could blame summer. I've been really distracted by the weather, my exercising/dieting, my fun nights out with friends, traveling, playing my guitar...

Writing wise...I actually haven't written much this summer. I spent so much time editing and revising WALKING OFF PLUTO that I really can't concentrate on anything new right now. I queried a few agencies and already I've gotten a request! So exciting! The waiting process is torture, but I'm okay with it. I've been rejected before so it won't be a blow if I am. And if I'm accepted, well, holy potatoes! I'll be the happiest writer in the universe.

I feel really proud of my novel. It's different from the last 4 books I've queried. It's not fantasy. It's real life drama. I put a lot of myself into the characters. Their struggles and tears are my struggles and tears. I want them to continue to grow and flourish, which is why I've decided to continue the story with book 2: WANDERING AROUND NEPTUNE.

Why the title? Because right now, I'm wandering. I feel like I'm floating above my flip-flops, not really connecting to gravity, not really set on anything, just sort of enjoying life and not over-worrying about things. Consequences are no longer a concern. I'm young. I'm alive. And I just want to be free. I'm living life on impulse, something I haven't been doing. I've been too damn worried about "What if" and worried about feeling guilty and worried about upsetting people. But life is what you make of it.

So with this new novel, my characters are going to wander, going to live a little recklessly, going to make some huge mistakes, going to fall in and out of love, in and out of lust, in and out of their dreams and what they thought was right...and in the end some will mature, some will stay the same, and some will go backwards. Bottom line, growing up goes slow. No point in rushing it. Hmmm....might have to call the third book RUSHING THE MILKWAY and then the fourth book can be SETTLING WITH THE STARS. Or something, haha. I don't know. We'll see where my mind takes me. :-)

1st person

I'm curious...what's everyone's opinion on 1st person where the narrator talks more about feelings/thoughts/memories rather than what's actually happening?

I'm writing a new novel and usually I describe things as they happen in great detail, but through my protagonist's voice I'm finding that I'm bypassing a lot of descriptions. Like when she enters a house, instead of describing it, she picks out one thing that reminds her of something else, something deeper, a memory perhaps. Do you like this? Or would you prefer to know more about your setting? They say sometimes less is more, more for the imagination to fill.

Like here's an example of that house to memory thing:

I rest my bleeding foot on top of my non-bleeding foot and wait for Lucinda. I can’t help but marvel at the circular stairwell that seems to go on forever, reminding me of a tower. I imagine someone at the way top, leaning over the banister, shouting for help, wanting to be rescued. I think about my sister, helpless and lost. If her mind is “lost” according to one doctor’s analysis, I can’t fathom where she’d be.

Summer

Summer is here. I should be celebrating. Jumping up and down. Dancing. Running. But alas I have a bummed ankle and cardio is not my friend at the moment. If that's the case, I should be writing and editing, right? I am, but not a lot. I'm so restless. I feel out of touch with myself. I said I'd use summer as a chance to rediscover myself, but the only thing I'm discovering is my inability to relax. My novel says it all...

She sips the hot chocolate and feels her insides start to melt. She doesn’t like the sensation; when her emotions grow beyond a state of calm she feels miles from her skin, out of control and intolerable. It's like looking through a mirror and seeing a stranger that reminds you of everything you’ve lost.

I'm revising/editing Pluto yet again. I've sent it to friends/family to read, but haven't heard back from anyone yet so I'm doing another round of scrutinizing. This time I'm noticing how much of myself and my life I've put into the characters. Things I've said to people, things they've said to me, experiences, the good the bad and the ugly. It's my most personal novel yet and I want it to be polished to the extreme before I query it. I'm being patient this time. The agents aren't going to vanish over night and it's not like I have to worry about my novel not being in style a few months from now because it's a romance and romance always has a hungry audience.

My main concern with my novel is the fact that I have teenagers having sex by chapter 2 and they barely know each other. My mom's initial reply was: "Who has sex with a stranger in a hospital?" And of course, she criticized my female lead as being slutty and bitchy, ignoring the fact that the girl's dad is dying, she's tramatized by her past, and she has social problems galore. Yes having sex with a stranger in a hospital is an extreme choice, but in the world of fictional writing anything is possible so long as you can support it with honesty. People do crazy things when they're emotionally upset. And as a writer I push my characters to follow their impulses because it creates conflict/change. I wish I would follow more of my impulses in life.

I like YA. I appreciate YA that has real young adults in it. Real young adults make mistakes. LOTS of mistakes. For fiction, the bigger the better. So I'm thinking YES, I should keep the sex scene. I don't even describe it. It's a .... ending. I just have to make sure the built up to it is honest and the "need" is genuine.

Maybe I ought to visit someone in the hospital. A complete stranger and see what happens.

Goals, Life, Updates, I Heart Thor

I have been neglecting my blog duties for quite some time. I know when summer hits I'll be posting every day and commenting on all my favorite blogs, but I could do better now. I've just been so busy!

My weekdays have revolved around this schedule:
5:55 Wake Up
6:30 Go to work
7:15 Arrive at Work
3:00 Leave work
3:30-5:00 Work out at the gym
5:00-6:00 Dinner/chill time
6:00-8:00 Edit novels/read old stuff/organize life
8:00-9:00 Eat popsicles and read a book
9:00 Sleep

It's actually a great schedule and I've been following it religiously. My diet is going great and I'm actually losing more weight since I've increased my calories. Total weight lost- 19 pounds in 10 weeks. I feel awesome. I look awesome. Check plus for health and body.

Check plus for finally finishing the edits and revisions to WALKING OFF PLUTO. I've given copies to a few of my friends and look forward to their feedback. While I wait for their critiques, I'm gonna work on my query letter and make up a list of agents I want to send my query to. This is the first non-fantasy book that I'm querying, so I'll actually be able to query a lot more agencies than before. I really have faith in this book. I know it's a good book because it's honest. In order for a novel to be believable you have to write based on what you know, what you think, and what you truly believe in. And everything my characters go through are similiar issues I have dealt with. I feel like I have grown as a person by battling through these problems with my young heroine.

I've also been re-reading and starting to revise some old novels that got put on the back shelf. I wrote a vampire/werewolf novel about two years ago. I queried it and actually got a few agents to read the entire novel. But alas, the main problem was my super slow beginning. So I've been chopping words, scenes, and entire chapters in order to pick up the pace.

There's also my dear NANO novel that is shy of 5,000 words. I MUST FINISH IT!

And there's another novel I wrote last summer that is YA Fantasy and only 96,000 words. Need to edit.

So I have 3 novels to work on while I wait for PLUTO feedback. Though I have a dozen ideas for new novels, I'm not composing any new works until all old projects are edited, revised, read, and queried. I can't keep writing these novels and forgetting about them all because I have a zeal to write more. My library of completed works is overflowing. I must concentrate on what's good, what needs work, what's sellable, etc.

PS. I HEART THOR TIMES A MILLION.

May 1st!

Did I fulfill my April goals?
Not all of them...in fact, as of this moment none of them are fully fulfilled. By May 1st I was supposed to have edited my novel so people can read it (as of now I still have 4 more chapters to disect), edited my play (it is edited and the edits are due tomorrow, but I'm rereading it for grammatical errors), and finished my Nano novel (I never even looked at it this month). So...now I must revise my May goals.

May goals:
1- Finish edits to novel and give to friends/family to read for feedback.
2- Work on query letter and come up with a list of potential agents to query
3- Finish NANO novel!

I should be able to get through that list. I should. I should.

a much needed post

Shame on me for not updating my blog!

There's so much to write about and I'm awfully tired after dogsitting Gus, aka a clone of "Marley." Tomorrow I journey to PA to visit family and celebrate Easter. I'm not Catholic so I always feel a tad out of place at church. Actually, I feel very out of place.

Life has been kind of crazy, so I'll just make a list of it:

1- I got rejected from all my grad schools. I cried a lot about it. But I realized that I don't need grad school to become a great writer. I just need my laptop, motivation, and plenty of stamina. And of course, creativity, but I was born with that. :-)

2- I've lost a lot of weigh. 13 pounds in 6 weeks. Most of my clothes don't fit me anymore and I'm getting lots of compliments so that's always a confidence boost.

3- I have beach plans for memorial day weekend. Camps to teach this summer. A possible roommate for the fall. All good things.

4- I am almost done editing my play. And my novel is almost ready for people to read. I'm taking my time with the edits. I have no desire to start any new projects until old projects are taken care of. Usually I can't wait to start on a new project, but I'm really proud and attached to my current projects, so I'm nursing them a little extra.

5- I'm reading. Book reviews of HUSH HUSH, THE BOY WITH THE STRIPPED PAJAMAS, and SILVER BORNE shall be posted shortly.

6- I can run again! 6 miles in an hour!

Yeah, so that's life.

Now how am I feeling? A mixture of many things. When I was younger, I used to post lyrics on my facebook to summarize my feelings. If I had to pick any lyrics to match my feelings right now it'd have to be good old Jar of Hearts.

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret

But if I'm strong, I'll be stepping towards a better me and a better tomorrow.

1st Draft :-)

The 1st Draft of my novel WALKING OFF PLUTO is at last complete at 77,000 words. How do I feel? Very excited and a little sad. I'm attached to my characters and want to continue their stories, but I wrote the novel with the full intentions of it being a stand-alone novel.

I am determined to get this book published. I will be patient. I will edit it. I will make hundreds of revisions until I am beyond satisfied. If it takes a year, so be it. I'm not rushing this time and ruining my chances with a crappy query and bad editing. Agents expect polished manuscripts.

But I'm also not going to jump right into editing either. I'm giving myself a two week break to work on other projects: my play and my unfinished Nano book. My play revisions have a real deadline, so that's a priority. My nano book, I should have finished months ago, but Pluto took over my writing world. I also have two novels I wrote back in 2010 that need editing. OH wow. I have lots to do!

No new projects until the old projects have been worked on. I have a list of pitches for future novels, but I will hold off on writing any of them until summer.

Yay for more daylighT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sex in Novels (i suspect I'll get a lot of readers for this posting wink wink)

I'm about to hit 60K in my novel and feeling really good about it. I'm 3/4 of the way done. Almost at the climax of the story.

Speaking of climax, I've been meaning to blog about sex in novels. I for one like it when authors are not afraid to be graphic about sex. Stieg Larsson does an excellent job of this as well as Audrey Niffenegger. But for many writers, it's very easy for the wording to come across as a porno. So you have to be careful. I also believe that unless the sex is vital to the plot or reveals something important about a character, then it should be avoided. Throwing in a sex scene just for fun is not productive.

Looking back at all my novels, I have written my share of R-rated (and sometimes NC-17) sex scenes. They've included passionate first-time affairs, lesbians in the desert, high schoolers fooling around without using protection (what dumdums) and rape. I think I probably could and should have cut or shortened about 40% of those scenes. One (and I'll admit it was the lesbians in the desert) really doesn't add to the plot or reveal something about a character. It's there for pure shock value. And it doesn't work. It needs to be cut (and saved for a more appropriate setting).

So, let's hear it. What are some sex scenes you've written that you probably could have done without? Or better yet...when did you write a sex scene but tone it down because you were scared to be graphic? Think you might wanna go back and add a little "classy" steam?

Goals

Writing Goals for March 2011

General:
Use similes sparingly
Don't overthink everything, that's what editing is for
Write, write, write

To be accomplished by April 1st
Finish 1st Draft of WALKING OFF PLUTO (25k left)
Edit play SAMSON AND MS DELILAH
Finish Nano book!!! (5K left)

30,000 words in one month? I can totally do it!!!!!!!!!!!
And if not, who cares? I'm on nobody's schedule but my own.

Waiting in Line

Does life ever feel like one giant line that never seems to end? And yet the line does end and you're told you need to go somewhere else and wait in an even bigger line. Everyone around you is impatient and loathing you because you're in that line, taking up a space, consuming air, getting ahead and maybe they're not.

I'm 24. I am single. I live at home with my parents because I can't afford to live on my own. I work. I don't have a career. I have a JOB. In five years, I ideally want to be published, own a house, be married, and be thinking about babies. But at the rate I'm going, in five years I may not have any of those things. I may still be in line, waiting for a new job, or waiting for an acceptance letter, or waiting for a guy to buy me a rose.

I'm stubborn. And dedicated. And IN LOVE with writing. So much that I'm not going to get out of line. My line may be the longest of them all. There may be a shorter line close by, but the results would be less satisfying.

I will wait. There's lots to do when you're waiting in line. Just have to think a little off the page...

word counts, book review, and Valentine's Day

When I begin a novel, I always ask myself: how long is this going to be? My estimates are never right. In fact, most of the time they're way off. For example, my current book was only supposed to be 50,000 words and it's currently 45,000 and I'm not even sure if I hit the half-way point. My last novel was supposed to be 80,000 and it barely scratched 66,000. I always wonder which is better/worse...to overestimate or underestimate? Or does it even matter?

Book Review! I finished THE REPLACEMNT a few weeks ago and I've been meaning to write a review. I think this is an excellent first novel for author Brenna Yovanoff. She takes YA to a new level. For one thing, the teenagers actually sound and act like teenagers. They swear. They take off their clothes around the opposite sex. And they are funny. Or at least, they think they're funny. Bravo to that! Most writers are terrified to drop the f bomb. Shakespeare forbid they say it in a YA novel. In The Replacement, I was happy to see that wonderful word about two dozen times. Plot wise, I loved it. Lots of twists and turns. The only bit of criticism I have is sometimes certain sections became too telling and/or simply structured. There were also at least 6 typos but I blame the editors/printers for that. I give this book a 9.5/10 and recommend it to all those who want to read a good YA novel.

Valentine's Day was yesterday. Yep.

You know you're in love with your WIP when...

1- You think about your characters like they're your friends/enemies.

2- You like editing and revising what you've written.

3- You go to bed a half hour later because you just have to get to a certain word count.

4- You feel like its the "one."

5- You think about what actors/actresses would play the characters if your book ever became a movie. You wonder if they'll give you a cameo in the movie or perhaps a speaking part. Will they let you write the screenplay? Will you win an oscar for best adapted screenplay?

6-You can block out your mother sreaming at the TV during the superbowl and write a very intense scene without feeling distracted.

7- You think about who you're gonna dedicate the book to when it's published. You think about all the time you'll have to write once you're a bestseller and your bank account has gone from three figures to six.

8- You just keep thinking to yourself, "This has to be published. This HAS to be published!"

And I'm sure there are plenty of other signs, but those 8 are mine. :-)

Dialogue

Just thought I'd share some dialogue from my novel...


“Don’t apologize for things you have no control over.”

“Control. That’s a pretty strong word in my dictionary. I don’t like it when people try to control me. I feel like I’m being kidnapped and rearranged into something else, something I’m not. Sometimes…well, actually most of the time, I like to pretend I’m on another planet.”

“Babe, you are on another planet.”

“I wish it were true.” She sighs and slaps her hands against her knees. “Sorry, I’m saying things that don’t make any sense. I’m really tired.”

“Can’t apologize for that either. We only use like 10% of our brains, so everything we say or do is only 10% understandable when you look at it from a full-brain perspective.”

She rolls her eyes. “Oh, please, that 10% thing is just a myth. Our brains do a lot more than just think for us. Most of the brain’s energy is used to make our neurons communicate with each other. That’s how we’re able to breathe. How our organs work without us thinking, ‘Hey, stomach, it’s time to digest this burger I just ate.’ Those functions occur on their own, using the other 90% people like you think is impossible to tap into.”

“Wow.” Peter folds his arms across his chest and nods three times. “You are a real geek, you know that? You like comic books and science. Do you like Zelda too? Or are you a Final Fantasy fan?”

“Smart ass. I’m neither. Zelda and Final Fantasy are for little girls who can’t handle a gun. I play Resident Evil and Call of Duty.”

“Damn. Will you marry me now?”

“No.”

“Someday you will. And we’ll have little geeky babies together.”

“No, we won’t.”

“I’m kidding. Don’t look so constipated about it.”

ridiculous word counts

Wednesday my novel was 15,000 words. Today it is 29,000 words. I thank the snow.

Book Reviews

Push by Sapphire 7/10

Push is emotionally touching but hard to read because of the language and details of the rapes. I also wanted it to be longer. It didn't seem believable that the main character could transform so quickly. The changes she made were great and admirable, but I'm one of those people who appreciate the journey.

Let The Right One In by John Ajvide Lindqvist 10/10

This is a real vampire novel. Scary, bloody, gory...loved every page of it! I felt sympathy for every character even the "evil" ones. I think this could be enjoyed by mature high schoolers. It's graphic but not over the top. It's classy gore.

On the Prowl 6/10

This is a collection of urban fantasy short stories. "Alpha and Omega" was good. The rest were so-so. Too much telling not enough showing.

Next reads...THE REPLACEMENT by Brenna Yovanoff. I will admit, I bought this book based on its cover but I've heard it's actually really good. :-)

Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award

So I entered SEAWEEDS into the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award. This is my 3rd year doing the contest. The first year I made it through the first round and got reviews of my excerpt. Last year I didn't make it through the first round even though I my piece was probably a thousand times better than the first. This year I'm hoping to make it to the 2nd round. And if I go further...well, that'll be real nice.

I am about 4,000 words close to finishing my Nano novel. And 14,000 words into my new novel. I find that I tend to write sad stories in the winter and happier stories in the summer. My nano novel is a happy story. My new novel is sad. That explains why I'm compelled right now to finish the new novel. But I will finish the Nano novel by February. Then wait until spring to edit it.

In non-writing news, I'm on foot rest. Curse having flat feet!!!!!!!!!!

It needs to snow right now. I need a real snow day so I can write my snow chapter. I've decided I'm going to record some voiceovers of my experiences shoveling snow, making snowmen, feeling cold, feeling warm afterwards...but I need a legitate snow day to do all that.

Is anyone else doing the Amazon competition? If so, best of luck!