I am

I am 31 years old. I am married. I have a daughter who is 20 months old. My Cocker Spaniel is my best friend. I often wish I could travel back in time only to sit at Border's cafe, sip on a caramel latte and write for hours straight. I miss Borders. I miss a lot of things.

For the greater part of my twenties, I wrote novels. To be exact, I wrote six novels between 2008 and 2012. I queried 4 out of 6 of them. I was rejected. Ultimately I decided to go the self-publishing route and publish what I considered my best work. I was met with praise from family and friends, but also from complete strangers who happened to read my book. But none of it led me to become a bestseller. My books still aren't on bookshelves or in libraries. And that was my childhood dream. To become an author. A bestseller.

Do we always have to let go of our dreams when we start a family? I didn't want to. Life kind of just took hold and instead of writing into the early morning hours, I was asleep at ten o'clock, exhausted from work, household duties, mommy duties, etc. I still to this day can't find the energy to write a completely new novel. I need inspiration. I need motivation. But most importantly I need time. I can't feel rushed when it comes to creativity.

Recently I self-published a novel I wrote almost a decade ago. And right after hitting the submit button on Amazon, I thought to myself, I should be querying this book instead. I should be going after an agent. So that's what I'm doing right now. Taking a step back and taking the long, hard road to publication.

Holidays...

For most Americans, this time of year is hectic. Hurrying to get last minute gifts, dealing with family, traffic, weather...but usually by Christmas Eve life slows down, you breathe and you smile because you're with your family, you're alive and well.

I can't remember the last time I thoroughy enjoyed Christmas or any major holiday for that matter. When life slows down, my creative juices, my energy, my whole persona just slows down with it and I sink into a funk. I almost feel like the Xmas Grinch.

So what can I do this year to avoid feeling like a Grinch? I'm thinking I should just follow my impulses. If I can't handle the slow-moving pace of the holidays, I should go out and do something fast-paced, even if I have to do it by myself. Running would be my ideal choice but I'm prone to ankle injuries when I run in the winter.

I could go to a coffee shop and write. But what coffee shops are open on Christmas?

This post is so the stereotypical "oh woo is me" writer rant. I'll be posting something less depressing after the holidays pass and I'm counting down to spring.

Happy Holidays.

RISE

Rise
You can't settle anymore
So what are you waiting for?
Rise
Don't give in to the rain
Is it worth all that pain?
Rise
Look to the sky so bright
In your freedom is the light

I'm getting the word "RISE" tattooed to my wrist over the Thanksgiving holiday. It's my life motto. You're in a hole, rise up. You're on the ground, rise up. Push past the barriers. Gain strength and rise.

Back on Track

Life is challenging. But writing has always come easy for me. If I'm in the zone, I can easily write 5,000 words in a day, edit for hours only getting up to pee and eat cereal, compose a full-length song on my guitar in minutes...speed and endurance are my writing strengths. I go go go. I don't stop.

But I did stop. October hit. The writing stopped. The editing stopped. The singing stopped. Life continued. I partied hard. I think I lost my mind at one point, but it's November again and I'm back on track.

Initially I thought I'd be writing a new novel for NANO, but alas I went with what my heart wanted and that was to finish my revisions to my dearest novel, WALKING OFF PLUTO. While I know this novel isn't my most creative manuscript or most exciting, it's the most honest thing I've ever written. I've been at war with the novel, battling other's opinions of it, battling what I think it ought to be vs what my readers will want it to be. And the conclusion is...

It is what it is.

It's about life. Life isn't always exciting. Life isn't always fair. Life isn't always happy. Life sucks sometimes. But for some reason when we read we don't want to hear about life sucking too much for any one particular person. We want excitement. We want an escape from reality. We want to go somewhere we've never been before. We want so much. But do we get everything we want in life? Hell no. That one person you love may hurt you over and over again, and you let them because you'd rather hurt than not feel them at all. You push mountains for them and even though those mountains never budge, you feel stronger for awhile and then you crumble. But alas you get up again and try climbing the mountain, only to fall. You get bruises. You get screwed over a lot by life and love especially. You don't always get what you want. You'll be rejected more times than you're accepted. But you'll charish the acceptances. You'll savour the good times. You'll be okay.

So hopefully an agent will read my manuscript and say, "Finally! A novel that doesn't glamourize teenage love but shows the flings and arrows of life in its lowest moments." Life isn't a movie. Life is harder. Which is probably why this novel is so hard to edit.

Speed is my enemy with this novel. I've had to be patient. I've had to take weeks off from even opening the file to do the necessary revisions. But I've done them. I am happy with them.

And now what? Do I query right away?

No. I'm going to take another little vacation, do another round of edits, let some co-workers read the manuscript, and maybe then I'll query. That will prove my endurance--my stamina to be patient. And in the meantime I can work on something else.

I don't want to start on a new novel. I have so many novels that beg for edits, beg to be finished, beg to be noticed, so I'll give them the attention they deserve.

On a side note, sometimes people who never say anything, say a lot.

Wandering

I've been really bad about updating my blog and keeping up with other people's blogs. I used to update, comment, and read blogs almost every day, and now it's become a once a week, once a month sort of thing. I guess I could blame summer. I've been really distracted by the weather, my exercising/dieting, my fun nights out with friends, traveling, playing my guitar...

Writing wise...I actually haven't written much this summer. I spent so much time editing and revising WALKING OFF PLUTO that I really can't concentrate on anything new right now. I queried a few agencies and already I've gotten a request! So exciting! The waiting process is torture, but I'm okay with it. I've been rejected before so it won't be a blow if I am. And if I'm accepted, well, holy potatoes! I'll be the happiest writer in the universe.

I feel really proud of my novel. It's different from the last 4 books I've queried. It's not fantasy. It's real life drama. I put a lot of myself into the characters. Their struggles and tears are my struggles and tears. I want them to continue to grow and flourish, which is why I've decided to continue the story with book 2: WANDERING AROUND NEPTUNE.

Why the title? Because right now, I'm wandering. I feel like I'm floating above my flip-flops, not really connecting to gravity, not really set on anything, just sort of enjoying life and not over-worrying about things. Consequences are no longer a concern. I'm young. I'm alive. And I just want to be free. I'm living life on impulse, something I haven't been doing. I've been too damn worried about "What if" and worried about feeling guilty and worried about upsetting people. But life is what you make of it.

So with this new novel, my characters are going to wander, going to live a little recklessly, going to make some huge mistakes, going to fall in and out of love, in and out of lust, in and out of their dreams and what they thought was right...and in the end some will mature, some will stay the same, and some will go backwards. Bottom line, growing up goes slow. No point in rushing it. Hmmm....might have to call the third book RUSHING THE MILKWAY and then the fourth book can be SETTLING WITH THE STARS. Or something, haha. I don't know. We'll see where my mind takes me. :-)

1st person

I'm curious...what's everyone's opinion on 1st person where the narrator talks more about feelings/thoughts/memories rather than what's actually happening?

I'm writing a new novel and usually I describe things as they happen in great detail, but through my protagonist's voice I'm finding that I'm bypassing a lot of descriptions. Like when she enters a house, instead of describing it, she picks out one thing that reminds her of something else, something deeper, a memory perhaps. Do you like this? Or would you prefer to know more about your setting? They say sometimes less is more, more for the imagination to fill.

Like here's an example of that house to memory thing:

I rest my bleeding foot on top of my non-bleeding foot and wait for Lucinda. I can’t help but marvel at the circular stairwell that seems to go on forever, reminding me of a tower. I imagine someone at the way top, leaning over the banister, shouting for help, wanting to be rescued. I think about my sister, helpless and lost. If her mind is “lost” according to one doctor’s analysis, I can’t fathom where she’d be.

Summer

Summer is here. I should be celebrating. Jumping up and down. Dancing. Running. But alas I have a bummed ankle and cardio is not my friend at the moment. If that's the case, I should be writing and editing, right? I am, but not a lot. I'm so restless. I feel out of touch with myself. I said I'd use summer as a chance to rediscover myself, but the only thing I'm discovering is my inability to relax. My novel says it all...

She sips the hot chocolate and feels her insides start to melt. She doesn’t like the sensation; when her emotions grow beyond a state of calm she feels miles from her skin, out of control and intolerable. It's like looking through a mirror and seeing a stranger that reminds you of everything you’ve lost.

I'm revising/editing Pluto yet again. I've sent it to friends/family to read, but haven't heard back from anyone yet so I'm doing another round of scrutinizing. This time I'm noticing how much of myself and my life I've put into the characters. Things I've said to people, things they've said to me, experiences, the good the bad and the ugly. It's my most personal novel yet and I want it to be polished to the extreme before I query it. I'm being patient this time. The agents aren't going to vanish over night and it's not like I have to worry about my novel not being in style a few months from now because it's a romance and romance always has a hungry audience.

My main concern with my novel is the fact that I have teenagers having sex by chapter 2 and they barely know each other. My mom's initial reply was: "Who has sex with a stranger in a hospital?" And of course, she criticized my female lead as being slutty and bitchy, ignoring the fact that the girl's dad is dying, she's tramatized by her past, and she has social problems galore. Yes having sex with a stranger in a hospital is an extreme choice, but in the world of fictional writing anything is possible so long as you can support it with honesty. People do crazy things when they're emotionally upset. And as a writer I push my characters to follow their impulses because it creates conflict/change. I wish I would follow more of my impulses in life.

I like YA. I appreciate YA that has real young adults in it. Real young adults make mistakes. LOTS of mistakes. For fiction, the bigger the better. So I'm thinking YES, I should keep the sex scene. I don't even describe it. It's a .... ending. I just have to make sure the built up to it is honest and the "need" is genuine.

Maybe I ought to visit someone in the hospital. A complete stranger and see what happens.