I need a place to go where I can scream, cry, kick my feet against the ground, curse like a sailor, and throw punches at the wind. Usually I put my anger into my writing, but I'm so worked up right now, I'm unable to do anything but write down exactly what I'm feeling. But quite frankly I don't know what I'm feeling.
I went away for a week. Drove 5 hours to PA and spent most of the time with my grandmother or my cousin. I felt relaxed. I worked on my novels. I ran 4 miles every day. I ate good food. It was a nice escape.
Just got back yesterday and I've never been more on the edge. That escape for a week wasn't enough. And it's made me realized how unsatisfied I am with my life. I feel like I'm going nowhere. While I love writing (it's the only thing I can depend on to make me happy) it's not enough. I want a real job. My own place. A boyfriend, or at least more guy friends. Some of these things require patience. But it's hard when there's people all around you getting everything you want and they don't have to wait. And while it's probably not true for most cases, I feel like some are completely undeserving. And it really ticks me off when people don't appreciate the great things they have.
So in a way, I'm mad at myself for being ungrateful. I know I have talent. I know I'm not ugly. I know I have a family that loves me and some pretty good friends. And I'm employed. I seriously just wish I could be satisfied with what I've got but its near impossible in this crazy world where cell phones and facebook control your social life and make you feel 80 times more disconnected with the world than you already feel. Maybe I'm just being a drama queen. Maybe I'm just being selfish. Spoiled. Ungrateful. But I can't help what I feel.
Everything I wish I could say
And everything I wish I could do
Are locked behind these double lines I’ve created for myself
Been trying to erase it but I used a sharpie pen
So do I white it out or find new places to write on?
New Release Spotlight: Kaitlin Curtice
1 week ago
I know that you remember the days if instant messaging. That is all I can think of when I think facebook, anymore... How, when you'd instant message your friends, you were still just sitting at home in front of The Box. For me, it was always hard to handle more than three or four conversations at once on IM. And now, with facebook, you are connected in to 500 people, getting 500 news feeds (or however many friends you have) and having attention demanded from 500 people all at once.
ReplyDeleteAnd you are still all just sitting home, alone, in front of the box. (Unless you are on your phone, in public, disconnecting from real-world social interaction to attend this virtual playground...)
Day two without facebook, for me. (And the sick thing is, it isn't even gone. When I deleted it, they said "Well, if you want to come back , everything will be here just as you left it. Just log in as always. Hope to see you soon!" You are never out of the system, once you are in...) So, now, when I am bored and killing time and I'd normally get on facebook and just fuck around for an hour or maybe stalk some friends' convos or something... Now, I have to read a book. Or go do some yoga. Or hulu shit.
I think that I digressed from my point and now I have lost it... But, much love to you, Miz Blank!